The Playbook

You’re in. You’re tired of waiting for legislation to protect our kids, and you’re ready to start fighting BigTech on the only battlefield you can actually control: your home.

Friend, you’re in good company. Here’s your playbook:

1. Build family culture.
   We recommend, through these principles here, focusing your efforts not solely on saying no to devices, but saying yes to something better than devices. Give children regular access to healthy challenges, shared responsibilities, open communication, delightful ideas, free play, independent tasks, sensory experiences, and affirming presence to create a home environment that offers belonging to everyone under your roof.
   

2. Parents go first.
   We recommend at least one parent in the home regularly carries a flip phone or a dumbed-down smartphone. (Here’s how to remove Internet access and all apps from your smartphone.) Why? Because not only are you modeling the behavior you want to see, but you’re parenting from a place of empathetic action. By living life without a smartphone, you’re navigating the same friction your kids will be (or already are), and, together, you’ll be able to come up with creative solutions that work for the whole family. We do not recommend anyone participate in social media.
   

3. Families share tech.
   We recommend a shared desktop computer be made available in a public space (kitchen workstation, office, living room corner, etc) with individual logins for tiered tech usage that reflects personalized interests and/or needs for everyone in the home (i.e. an elementary-aged student might have access to a word processor to practice typing or create flyers, a middle schooler might have access to SketchUp to learn construction modeling, a high schooler might have access to a restricted Internet browser and email address for job applications and research papers, etc.). We do not recommend personal devices (iPads, e-Readers, Switches, Apple Watches, etc.).
   
   We recommend families share not only device use, but device experience. Talk openly about what you’re seeing/learning/observing on a device, and listen openly as your children do the same.
   

4. Community is freely given.
   We recommend that strong and continuous efforts are made to form an Opt Out circle (here’s how) and that your home is offered as a low-tech hangout for your childrens’ friends. We recommend open and ongoing access to a family landline or to a parent’s flip phone. We recommend that families participate, volunteer, and/or advocate alongside each other at tech-free events, rallies, and local digital literacy meetings.
   

5. Kids buy their own device.
   Once a child is exploring the world independently and can afford the ongoing cost and maintenance (financially and mentally) of their first device plan, they can choose - and pay for - their own device.* Why? Because when we give our child a smartphone, but then restrict/moderate/track/etc all usage on that smartphone, we’re creating a barrier in trust. Once they purchase their own device, it’s theirs to manage and you can parent from a place of mentorship, not content moderation. By placing a boundary around your child’s agency (i.e. when he/she decides to pay for one) rather than a hypothetical age-related milestone (i.e. 8th grade, 16, 18, etc), you’re placing the responsibility of ownership, maintenance, and usage squarely on your child’s shoulders, offering your own experience as a guide, not a law.
   
   *Because the child will be purchasing their own phone, cost will be a primary factor in the decision-making, creating a built-in barrier of entry to any child who does not possess the maturity level to maintain steady employment. As such, this step is not recommended if your child has access to a large amount of disposable income at a very young age, nor if they haven’t been observing healthy tech boundaries through Steps 1-4.

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Have specific questions, or struggling with a unique situation in your home? Read 1:1 advice from fellow Opt Out fams right here.

Why Opt Out?

Not convinced fighting BigTech is worth the effort? Need a jolt of boldness for the journey ahead? Want to know what the science says?

Why opt out…

… at work?

Because smartphones lead to decreased productivity. Because they steal focus. Because personal devices at work introduce a cybersecurity threat.

… at school?

Because kids are distracted. Because educational apps aren’t effective. Because teachers can no longer teach. Because students’ data is being hacked. Because students cannot distinguish fake news from facts. Because opting out works.

… at home?

Because parents are addicted. Because online advertising is exploiting kids. Because phones at the dinner table make us unhappy. Because a parent’s phone habits directly correlate to emotional intelligence levels. Because screen time is linked to developmental delays. Because kids interact with tech more than they interact with their parents. Because phubbing erodes relationships. Because it steals sleep. Because the mere presence of a phone disrupts connection.

…of social media?

Because it has a colossal, horrific body count. Because oversharing our children’s lives is unethical, harmful, and unsafe. Because social media usage is destroying girls. Because it makes us angry.

…of gaming?

Because it’s equivalent to digital heroin. Gaming leads to decreased social skills and increased aggression. Online gaming is a breeding ground for child predators. Gaming participation is often linked to gambling addiction.

… in society?

Because social media makes us increasingly anxious. Because AI usage makes us more likely to dehumanize each other. Because devices ruined dating. Because smartphone distractions make us less safe. Because Meta ignores political manipulation online. Because opting out heals.

… on behalf of the marginalized?

Because for our children, our elders, and our people of color: no one else will.

Not yet convinced? Read this.

Opt Out Fams: Q&A

On giving (or not giving) kids a phone to walk the streets of NYC…

Q: “We live in New York City and have 2 girls who we homeschool. We have very minimal screen time (only movies on the weekend) and no Zoom classes, no iPads, no phones, etc. You mentioned when your kids start driving you will have a flip phone in the car for them for emergencies. What would you do if you lived in a city where kids start commuting to classes (either walking or public transit) quite early? I would prefer them not to have any device at all, but it is NYC, so what would you do? I’ve lived here almost 20 years, so I know it seems crazy to let a young kid walk around, but our kids grew up here and Central Park is their backyard, so it’s not unsafe, but not the easiest to navigate sometimes.” -Courtney

A: “I LOVE this question, Courtney! And firstly, I commend you for thinking this through so deeply; what a gift you're giving to your children! Are you familiar with the work of Lenore Skenazy and Let Grow? She's profiled in my book (Chapter 14!) for the widespread public scrutiny she received after letting her 9-year-old ride the subway alone in NYC and has the most refreshing perspective on childhood independence, trust, and safety. She's been a very wise guide for our own home! I can't say what I'd do if I were in your shoes because I don't know the neighborhood, but I would think a TracPhone with prepaid minutes could work if you're just looking for an in-case-of-emergency situation once [your daughter is] 12?  Hope this is helpful for you - and thanks again for your kind note!” -Erin

On opting out as a young adult w/out kids…

Q: “I’m a 24 year old female who has been on a journey of deleting social media since i was 18. I’m so happy to see there are people starting things like this. As I’m reading through your content, I see that you are mostly geared towards children and families, so I am wondering if you have any resources for people who are starting communities of young adults to connect offline?” -Sidney

A: “I am SO heartened to hear from you! Keep on keepin' on! It is SUCH a worthy journey to seek a social media-free life, one I've found such abundant fruit in. I do have some resources for you on finding like-minded folks who are interested in more IRL and less online. The LOG OFF community might be a great place to begin, and I'd keep an eye out for the NoSo movement this November. I'd also look at a map of local Encode Justice chapters to see if there is one in your area, as I'd imagine there are many aligned values there! AND, I'd stay abreast of Digital Detox experiences in your location.

My only other advice is to go first! Tell your friends how much you're learning about social media, how it affects you, and why you're ditching it. Ask if they want to join you in a 30-day social-media-free experiment (we're working on a free course now!). In the meantime, blessings your way. So very delighted to hear you're embarking on such a worthwhile journey! Cheering you on!” -Erin

On opting out as a co-parent:

Q: “My wife and I are 100% on board for our two children (ages 4 and 1) that we have together, but our hands are tied regarding my wife's two children from a former marriage (ages 16 and 11). Their dad and stepmom are entrenched in technology and insist on being in control of phone plans, etc., "for safety reasons." My question, then, is what resources do you have on opting out in blended families, where the other side of parents are completely unsupportive of this choice? I suppose my biggest concern is that one or both of our older kids will choose to go live with their technology-permissive parents if we expect them to opt out when they're with us. And if we do make compromises for the older two, how do we still establish good boundaries for our younger children and navigate their questions and concerns with grace and tact?” -Joshua

A: “Thank you so much for your note, and I applaud you and your wife for taking such a worthy stance as you parent your precious little ones. Well done, well done, well done! I know the road ahead will not be easy - especially when co-parenting! - but I know it will be ever worth it. Our advocacy partners at ScreenStrong have some great experience with co-parenting with misaligned tech values that might be very helpful to review - highly recommend taking a read here!

Sending blessings across the miles - keep up the great work!” -Erin

On feeling alone while opting out:

Q: “Are there any resources or a bit of encouragement for the mom who feels like her child is in isolation? I do not allow video games or phones and only allow [my son] to watch a few select shows that are on DVD. But I find that when most boys get together with him they either want to play video games, talk about the latest thing they saw on TV, or just not knowing how to be an imaginative boy and play outside. My son is very imaginative and creative and simply just wants to get on his bike and bring his walkie talkies and binoculars and find something to do with his friends... but i just always see it going the othet way with very little interest from.his friends or cousins. (They are all 5 or 6 year olds, by the way.)

I also feel isolated myself as a stay at home mother as I have given up social media for a flip phone. Most moms work and none of them are around in our neighborhood during the day, which means during the summer most of the kids are in daycare too... My son recently went to knock on a neighbor’s door to play with their kids, but then found out later that they, too, were at daycare for the summer.

It’s very hard right now and it is a lot of work to build community. I am trying to give up tech to give my son a more wholesome creative childhood with more personal interactions with other kids, but instead our choices have seem to isolate him in a different way. I’m not going to give up, but as a young person, I never would have thought this would be one of the biggest challenges in motherhood. I know there is no easy answer, but even some empathy would be a light of encouragement at this time! It’s not talked about much. Thank you for all you do for this generation and the coming generations!” -Sarah

A: [Transcribed]: “Hi, Sarah. This is Erin. I hope you don't mind that I'm sending you a voice memo. I just read your email, and email did not seem to do this response justice, because I hear your heart in it, and you're in such a tricky position, and I was right where you are, and I do feel like it's a very isolating place to be, so I just wanted to be able to speak frankly and hopefully share some encouragement. First of all, I think it's lovely that you've been able to preserve that imagination in your son and given that he's only five or six. I feel like in our society, five or six is kind of when the bifurcation begins, and you sort of move from that place of independent play to kids kind of seeking outside stimulation, and if they're given enough of it, then, yes, their play does tend to center around whatever society says is cool for them. So I will say one thing that was really helpful. Honestly, it just takes one other friend, and it can be a lot of work to find that one other friend, but I found that we have one very close opt out family in our life, and we just get the kids together every week, rain or shine, no matter what, and have been for almost 10 years now, just so that we know that, OK, they're going to have some sort of friendship energy outlet, and not in that we agree on everything, but we agree on the device thing, and that seems to be enough for us, because certainly, then there are other relationships that you rely on for other things. But if you can find, find that one other. And honestly, we met each other because we were at the airport, and I saw that her kids were playing with paper airplanes and not on iPads. And so I said, Hey, I like what you're doing with your kids. I'm gonna give you my phone number. And then we started getting the kids together. So it's doable, if you can keep your eyes open for just one other like minded person. And I will also say, going to the library in the middle of the day as a stay at home mother is one of the easiest ways that I have found to meet others, because automatically, you know they're probably not working during the day. And a library is a place that, generally, someone that's a bit less device heavy will still really appreciate. So if you do have a local library you can visit kind of within a short amount of distance, I would try and start there this summer, maybe make it just a summer rhythm, to try and head in there once a week and keep your eyes open and see if there's other families that just are engaging with their kids. The other thing I will say is I would start now keeping an eye open for friendships where they're about to have children of their own, or maybe even people that have just had babies that you know, or people that have toddlers that you know. I wouldn't rule them out. I think we tend to look for kids that are the same age as our kids, and I found it really helpful that we kind of always looked to kids that were kind of coming down the pipeline a couple years after us, because we had been able to mentor the parents to help them see the beauty of living more tech free than others, and that has then influenced their parents, and now their children don't have devices, so it's kind of like built in friends for our kids, even though they're younger, there's there's some beauty and mixed age play that happens. So yeah, I would also just maybe keep your eyes open for people just a little bit behind you in their journey, because you will be able to be a trusted voice and guide for them, and you can help influence them for good too. So those are just a couple thoughts. I know right where you are. I'm so sorry. I hate that this is the whole world that we're giving our kids. I really, it absolutely breaks my heart… And I just always think, as hard as it is for us to parent these kids, it's so much harder for them to live as kids right now, and I love that you are giving your children that gift. So keep up the good work. I'm cheering you on.” -Erin

Have a question for Erin or the Opt Out Fam? Get in touch here.